Gift 10 - Time

Today, when asked if I could stay an extra hour at work, I said "yes". I didn't have to, but it also didn't pain me to stay.

We had been consistently busy all day. The moment I cleaned up the dining room, the next crowd would appear. As soon as things wrapped up with diners, the phone would ring and carryout orders would be going full-speed. But for the first time in a long while, I was in the right frame to give my time willingly.

Staying DID affect my evening. I wasn't able to get somewhere I had planned, due to heavy traffic, before they closed. But in the bigger picture, it helped a team of people to have me stay for an extra hour.

Aha Moment - Stress and Depression

In her book, "You are a Badass", Jen Sincero describes aha as no-brainers:

You know countless of these truisms of which I speak, you've heard them or thought them a million times, but when they finally sink in and you "get it", they become earth-shattering news.

Today I had an "Aha Moment". A BIG one for me. The kind of moment that Jen would describe as "well, duh".

First, today was a really good day for me. I don't have a lot of days that I would describe as good, so they kind of stand out. DJ and I both didn't get a enough sleep again, but my mood was really upbeat. Getting past the stress of my performance, I was on a high. Magically, none of the customers annoyed me today.  Things that would normally be a problem didn't feel like a "big deal". I wasn't overwhelmed and trying not to cry.

Just the other day, I described myself as feeling "manic-depressive", to my mother. Not in the sense that I actually feel manic-depressive, it's that my "normal" feels manic compared to how down I feel when I'm depressed.

Today I was in such a good mood I actually wondered if I was being "manic"? I didn't feel like I was rushing anywhere, or in hyperdrive, but I was smiling and pleasant and nothing really got under my skin.

And that's when the "aha" hit me...

STRESS plays into my depression.

(Duh, right?) Some level I already knew this, I've known for a while that I need to change my line of work. I know that I'm not good at wasting my time in mediocre jobs, when I can have a real impact doing other things.

I frequently find myself feeling like I am wasting time whenever I'm at work. I think about all the tasks that I need to do outside of work, and if it weren't for bills, I would definitely hold them as higher priorities. The only thing I can say for my jobs right now are that they pay my bills.

I'm sure there's a lot of people who say that, maybe that's how a lot of people feel about their work... But for me it has to be more than that. I am literally wasting myself at a job where all I do is make money to pay bills.

This is not to say that I think my job is useless, I think that my job is wasted on me. And I am wasted on my job. I'm not meeting my potential and becoming a greater good - I'm not doing what I should be doing. And other people would feel more fulfilled be doing what I do, but I don't.

So it's time to make some big changes.

I will be changing my focus in the new year, and I think DJ will too. We're both shifting gears where careers are concerned, and I'm hoping that will put us both in a better place.

Here's to Resolutions and Aha Realizations! (clink) 🍻

Gift 9 - Laughter and Music

Thursday was difficult for me this week. 

I have been gripped with depression on a deeper level than I have ever dealt with, and I found it particularly hard to get my day started.

Compound that with technical issues leading up to my show in the evening, and I was back and forth all day. One moment I was fine and composed, the next I would be a complete mess.

My gift that morning was a cute little video I shared on social media. It wasn't much, but I thought that it would brighten someone's day.

In the evening DJ and I went to my schedule performance. We dealt with more complications but the show went on. I wasn't happy with how things went in the middle of my performance I kept thinking "this isn't good enough"... But I had wonderful reviews.

Still feeling unworthy, I had a discussion with the girl working the desk that evening about the usual entertainment. I explained that I tweak my show each time I come to this venue, but I always receive different feedback each time. We both agreed that it may not be a bad idea to send out a survey to the residents, and see what they respond to.

Either way, I still consider my gift of music to be a gift. I could have easily kept that to myself, I wasn't feeling it most of the day and it was hard to keep my commitment. It is difficult to be the entertainment for other people when you're struggling yourself... But I did it. 

It wasn't the worst experience I've ever had. And it certainly wasn't the worst show I've ever done. And after listening to the recording in bed that evening, I felt a lot better. 

My voice sounded amazing. I was consistent throughout the entire performance, and I was proud of what I heard.

It might have felt off, but it sounded on. I'd rather have that than the flip side any day. 

Sometimes that's all you can hope for.

And with that, I guess I'm still giving... ✨

Gift 8 - A little Extra (and just Too Much)

Today I gifted a woman at my work with a side item we usually charge for. I added her small item on to my lunch bill and took care of it.

It felt right in the moment.

I know my boss has no idea why I did that... And she told me that the customer I treated was a regular, and she frequently ordered and returned meals for something different. Enough so that she told her she couldn't anymore. (And my boss is the sweetest woman I know, who goes above and beyond, especially for her regulars)...

I felt cheated.

I have felt taken advantage of a lot lately...

I am a naturally giving person. I bend over backwards and under charge on a regular basis. I have no idea why 29Gifts called out to me...

I guess I liked the idea of 

"realizing I had value and that I had gifts to share with the world."

Recently I found out that I had been misrepresented. Lied about. After taking the time to be sensitive to this person's  feelings, and having discussion with them where they were able to voice their opinions. 

They acted like I was completely unreasonable.

I am extremely angry and hurt. I'm frustrated and disappointed. I'm so full of emotion I find myself wanting to cry at all hours of the day... I'm anxious at night and exhausted throughout the day.

What is the gift I can give them?

What gift can I give myself?

Space.

I am no longer allowing negativity into my life. 

Be it stranger, lifelong friend or family member... I am too understanding and kind, and if I let these people, they will wreck my heart.

I am going to wait and start the 29Gifts again. 

I need to get thru this painful patch of setting limits before I can truly focus my energy on this project.

That might sound like quitting, but I know it's right for me.

Gifts 6 & 7 - Warm Thoughts and Payback

Yesterday was a rough day for me.

This is the second Monday that I've taken off, since I called my work last week and told them I could no longer work on Mondays. I had hoped to get a lot of things done, but I spent most of the day catching up on rest.

I woke to find that one of our accounts was pending overdrawn by nearly $100. And found that I couldn't find a lot of stuff I was looking for around the house, because I had asked DJ to clean up. I was frustrated and limited in what I could accomplish.

I ended up focusing I'm hanging some Christmas lights around our door. We have a very small front porch, and other than window clings and a small wreath, I haven't had the time to put up decorations for Christmas.

While trying to figure out what I was going to do for the day, my thoughts went to the mother of my stepson. 

Her and her boyfriend have been going through a rough situation. In the last two weeks he was admitted to the hospital with a blood clot, they tried to perform a bypass but it was unsuccessful. 

He has made the difficult decision to have his leg amputated below the knee.

Nothing has happened yet, since he is still recovering from the previous surgery. And I know that she has been working long hours, but I wanted to offer something. So I sent her a text message letting her know that if there was anything I could do to relieve their stress, anything for her or her boyfriend, to please let me know. A little while later I received a text message of thanks.

I'm hopeful that if she finds herself in need of help, my offer will come to her mind.

***    ***    ***

Today was somewhat uneventful. I woke late because I was up late. And in turn I got to work about 10 minutes late. No one seemed to mind, so I got to work and had a regular day.

DJ surprised me by driving across town on his lunch to bring me food. It was really nice to see him, unfortunately he barely has the time to do something like that so we didn't get a chance to visit. But it was a wonderful treat none the less.

After work I ran over to the bank to deposit money, and headed home. My plan had been to stop at a gas station on the way, but with all the extra traffic, I idled longer than I normally would. And instead I found myself out of gas just as I crossed over the highway, with no gas can.

I decided not to concern DJ, he was getting out of work in about 10 minutes but he was also close to an hour away from me in this traffic. I called my mother and she agreed to come help. I spent the next few minutes listening to a comedy radio station before deciding to listen to my audiobook.

Waiting in the car I listened to how the Universe can have your back. I wrote down questions for myself, I reflected on meditation practices, and made a plan for dinner.

After 40 minutes I was rescued, discovering that DJ had also run out of gas on his side of town but was back on the road as well. 

I gave my mom $5 for helping us. She had already given me her time and the extra gas can. She asked me if I was allowed to receive it from her as a gift, but I told her I didn't work like that. She thanked me and put it in her dashboard.

Arriving home, I was cold and ready to curl up on the couch. But then I remember the gift I wanted to give DJ, and I spent the last half-hour walking up our dishes. He always takes care of them, andI didn't want him to worry about it.

That is my gift for him tonight, I know he will appreciate it. And as I write this I can hear that he just pulled up... Time for dinner.

(Additional add: I also did the dishes from dinner)

Gift 5 - Anonymous

Last  Sunday we decided to take a tag from the angel tree at church. Things have been really tight, but it's a tradition that I like to participate in if I can.

Each tag represents a child of someone who is incarcerated and won't be seeing their parent for Christmas. It lists the child's name, age, desired gifts (usually clothing) and a message from the parent.

We chose a 7-year-old boy. They asked for jeans, a long-sleeve shirt, a hoodie and books appropriate for 2nd grade.

DJ reminded me that morning that we still had a gift to purchase, and how slow we were both moving, it ended up being the focus for the day. We spent close to 3 hours running around to different stores.

In the end, we purchased Arizona Jeans, long sleeve shirt and hoodie. We included and a $15 gift certificate to JCPenney, just in case they needed to exchange or get anything else. At the bookstore we found a fun book about the jellyfish & a narwhal, done in the style of a comic strip. And I picked out the book "Stone Soup", a classic story.

STONE SOUP synopsis: 
(If  you've never read it)

Soldiers visit a small town asking to be fed and housed for the night, but the villagers tell them that they have no food to spare. They tell the villagers that they can teach them how to make soup out of stones. Intrigued, the impoverished villagers agree. As the soup is being made different townspeople add vegetables and spices, until there is a full and hearty soup for everyone to eat. Satisfied, the villagers put them up for the night, believing that they learned how to make soup from a stone.

Our gifts - I forgot to get a photo before we bagged them up.

Something to add... 

As we were dropping off a gift, DJ mentioned that our names for on the angel tree. The paper ornaments had been removed, showing the names of the children and gifts to pick up, and had been replaced by paper ornaments that looked much the same... only these ornaments were not just in the shape of angels, they were decorated angels. And beneath each angel was the name of a donor.  

I can't explain the warmth that came over me when we saw our angel. I wish I could be there when that little boy opens his gifts from his dad, but I'm hoping that it makes his Christmas a little easier.

Gift 3 & 4 - A Phone Call & Unexpected Gifting

Yesterday, I ran out of gas.

I was leaving work, and was particularly distracted as traffic had picked up so heavily that I was trapped in the little corner I worked in... eventually I decided to drive the wrong way from where I was headed so that I could "leave" at all.

I kept trying to get to a gas station, but everytime I was next to one I went on autopilot and kept driving.

Then it happened. Right before I went to merge on the highway, and just in time to pull into the last available drive (of a business that was closed for the day) since there was no shoulder... I stalled out.

I'd like to say that I didn't lose my temper in my frustration, but that's not the case. But what I DID do with my TIME, was call my grandfather.

My grandparents retired to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan before I was born. They are so far to the very tip, that they are practically in Wisconsin. As kids we got a chance to go up and visit at least once a year, because my parents were adamant that we get to know my grandparents. I am grateful for these trips and the memories that I have.

Somewhat recently my grandfather was admitted to the nursing facility that my grandmother has lived in for several years. He has been open to the idea that he would be joining her eventually, but I don't think he expected it to happen this soon. I had been wanting to call him long before these events took place, but especially since... I missed calling him on his birthday, and had planned to call him on Thanksgiving but things had gotten busy.

So, shivering from the lack of heat, and settling in to wait for my rescuer, I called up north. Grandpa sounded sleepy, like I might have woken him up. But I had the good fortune of letting him know that I would be you coming up to visit in a couple of weeks, and that I would be performing for the facility as well. He sounded good and we talked about everything from the food they were serving to the weather outside.

It was a nice visit, and I was happy it was able to share my time with him.

***    ***    ***

Today I had a "Clothing Swap" scheduled at our little apartment. I had invited close to 10 girlfriends, including my mom, to come over and take a look through the clothing items I was getting rid of. They were encouraged to bring any clothing that they were looking to part with themselves. It was an intimate evening of four.

I had to work in the early afternoon, so in the morning I did what I could to finish looking through my items and clean up the place. I left most of the cleaning responsibilities to my fiance (who did a fantastic job). As I had already planned to provide food and drink, I decided that would be my gift for the day.

We had a great time catching up, and everybody enjoyed looking through each other's selections. We even took some fun pictures of people dressed up & looking silly. As promised I had pizza and pop waiting, but it turns out that was not my only gift...

As the evening went on and the ladies tried on outfits, I found myself compelled to share more items. I wanted to make sure that everybody had something to take home that they would be excited about. 

Out of my wardrobe, I selected a dress and then a blazer that I had not planned to part with. Showing the dress to the group, I put it in the pile of dresses I was offering. Taking the blazer out, I handed it to my girlfriend... She loved it. She was just as excited about it as I had been when I had purchased it. It felt wonderful.

At the start of the evening, I had selected a particular top for my other girlfriend. She wore it for the rest of the evening, and left with it on. (She even sent me a message to let me know her husband approved of it too!)

My mother found special items to take home. And we even found a moment for her to try on a gown that I had wanted to loan her for my wedding.

It was a wonderful evening. And gifting those extra little things, really made a huge difference. 

It felt good.